"We're not very good at resolving problems, so I let it go."

"I just hate confrontation!"

Listening, talking, communicating, resolving problems, making joint decisions... these are requirements for all people. Without good communication skills and quality time dedicated to communicating, relationships soon flounder and fail, especially among couples with the stress of two careers and a full family life.

Many people don't talk because they are avoiding conflict and confrontation. There is a common misconception that conflict and confrontation are bad. One of the major reasons couples have problems is their failure to confront issues head-on. They may fight openly or quietly seethe, but they have a terrible time confronting the real conflict respectfully and honestly. It's as if confrontation and conflict are impolite. However, conflict and confrontation are natural and healthy components of any relationship. You are neither bad nor wrong for causing a conflict or identifying one. Conflict is an opportunity to open up communication on a difficult subject.

Do not fear conflict and confrontation. Avoiding conflict is not the goal. Rather you want to develop the tools to "lean into" conflicts and resolve them early on, so that you can reorganize your lives to include the new learning. Because people have a lot at stake when it comes to their relationship, they are prone to avoid conflict or to use ineffective tools to solve the conflict too quickly. Compromising and acquiescing are two of these ineffective tools.

Most couples are shocked when I advise them to avoid compromises at all costs. After all, isn't compromise a requirement of partnership? The reality is that decisions that are arrived at through compromise usually lack creativity and seldom last. Sure, a compromise now and then may be necessary for the sake of expediency, but if a decision is important, a compromise may cause anger and resistance. Because compromises are usually a result of both people giving up something in order to get an agreement, the decision is a watered-down version of two stronger opinions.

Compromise is the easy way out when you are trying to avoid conflict and confrontation. It appears that the compromise will smooth ruffled feathers and that both partners can go away happy. What really happens, however, is that each partner leaves feeling as though they have been had. One person may resent having to compromise and will be looking for ammunition to prove that the decision was a bad one. Another person may feel he or she has done the honorable thing by not pushing his or her opinion on the other, only to feel unappreciated later when the compromise plan is dropped. If you stop and think about it, how long have your compromise decisions really lasted?

Acquiescing or forcing your opinion upon your partner are other ways of avoiding conflict. In seeking to avoid conflict, for example, a persuasive person may push his or her partner to acquiesce to a certain point of view, but this does not mean that the partner agrees. It may mean only that the partner actually does not want to fight and so appears to agree, when he or she has only given in. Don't make the mistake of pushing to win at all costs or to acquiescing to the persuader, when you don't agree. In either case, if you are the persuader or the acquiescent partner, the conflict has not been resolved and, what's worse, may have been driven underground.

If you don't make time to talk, if you don't consider nurturing your personal relationship as important, and if you avoid healthy conflict and confrontation, your relationship will disintegrate. So take the time now to evaluate your communication skills. Invest in the time to develop a meaningful, loving relationship with your people.

I enjoy reading EY Voices, especially the section of Partner Arrivals. It always brings in the intelligence speaking and thinking, like fresh air.

Some of the Q&As to partners I think its very classic:

Q1: What are you hobbies?

Family comes first, then golf, snow skiing, yachting and fishing – if only I had the time!

Q2: What are your top tips for time management?

Do it now. Touch it only once. Priorities, every day.

Q3: What are your tips for our younger staff on how to be successful in business?

Make sure this is what you truly enjoy. If you love it, you’ll enjoy working hard at it and your attitude will invariably be positive. Set some goals, make them tangible and review them regularly.

Five free tips from Sound Feelings help release anger to improve emotional and physical health.

1  Give Yourself Permission to Express Anger.

Our society does not allow us to express strong emotions. We are taught to hold in our emotions from the earliest age. This can have a profoundly negative effect on our overall health. It’s not wrong to express anger, fear, sadness, rage. In fact, it is healthy to release these emotions regularly. What’s wrong is when we hurt someone in the process. It is preferable to find safe ways to dump the negative feelings.

2  Combine Mental and Physical Effort.

Mental therapy alone may be extremely helpful for anger release, but it can only take you so far. Similarly, the physical act of doing exercise can help many people let off steam, but it may not remove deep-seated anger.

The most effective process is when you can combine both the mental and physical effort. This is when you do a particular physical activity along with the mental intention of releasing the anger. Please see the next step for specific examples of how to combine the mental and physical effort to help release your anger. In each example, don’t just pound pillows, or rip paper, but REALLY FEEL the heavy anger emotion with it’s full intensity WHILE you do the physical activity. This is so important and will assist you to finally RELEASE the anger energy so that it won’t come back. You may have to do the process repeatedly because it releases layer by layer and it is doubtful that you will get to all of it in one session. There are many studies recently showing that doing this type of activity could possibly MAKE someone more aggressive. This is a complicated issue. Let’s say that the type of people who hold in their anger their whole life NEED to learn to become more aggressive in order to become balanced. It is important to learn how to not be a doormat and have people walk all over you. It is important to speak up for what you believe and not take garbage from everyone. So, indeed, if this behavior makes a person RELATIVELY more aggressive, it is in the vein of becoming whole, and that is a good thing! However, please realize if you are already an explosive person who throws temper tantrums and becomes violent, then this approach is NOT appropriate! This recommendation is more appropriate for the “quiet anger” that a person keeps inside for many years. This is the anger that causes physical illnesses, sleep disturbances and other stress-related conditions. Getting the anger out in these cases is extremely therapeutic.

3  Never Hurt Others in the Process.

Give yourself the opportunity to express anger in a safe way, without hurting anyone else. Most people will benefit by having a private room to pound pillows with their fists or legs, or with a plastic bat. Some people may prefer ripping pages of paper, screaming, throwing plates (old ones). Many people find it helpful to use anger-release music as a stimulus or catalyst for this process. Remember, NEVER hurt yourself in the process and never aim your anger literally at another person. What is important here is your expression of the negative emotion, NOT who receives it. If the anger (or other emotion) is traced to a specific individual, some people have found it helpful to have a symbol of this person at which they can direct the anger. This could be an enlarged photocopy of a photo on a piece of paper which you then scribble-over, tear, burn, or otherwise destroy. Be open to discovering your own dynamic anger-release method.

4  Totally Let Go, Without Hesitation.

It is also important to suggest that if you feel the need to express yourself in any of these ways, that you either are totally alone so that you don’t feel inhibited, or that you are in the surroundings of a group of people who are supportive of this type of activity. If you don’t have a private room in your house, maybe you can find a secluded area, where no one will hear or see you — even the inside of your car may work. (Don’t do any of this while actually driving!)

5  Strive to Forgive.

The final step in maintaining anger-release is to truly forgive the person who wronged you as well as to truly forgive yourself.

When disagreements emerge it is easy to hear without listening. People involved in conflict often enlist others to support their perspective and thus avoid trying to work matters out directly with the affected person.

Our self-esteem is more fragile than most of us would like to admit. Unresolved conflict often threaten whatever self-esteem we may possess. By finding someone who agrees with us, we falsely elevate that self-esteem. But we only build on sand. Our self-esteem will be constructed over a firmer foundation when we learn to deal effectively with the conflict. In Spanish there are two related words, self-esteem is called autoestima, while false self-esteem is called amor propio (literally, "self-love").

It takes more skill, effort and commitment--and, at least in the short run, more stress--to face the challenge together with the other person involved in the dispute. Certainly it seems as if it would be easier to fight, withdraw, or give in. Yet in the long run, working through difficulties together will help us live a less stressful and more fulfilling life.

One particularly damaging form of conflict avoidance is to send someone else to deliver a message or confront another on our behalf. At best, the individual not spoken to directly will be hurt that such a tactic was taken. At worst, the go-between person cherishes the power trip involved, allowing himself to become a sort of arbiter in the conflict.

We often are too quick to assume that a disagreement has no possible mutually acceptable solution. Talking about disagreements may result in opportunities to strengthen relationships and improve productivity. Obviously, talking problems through is not so easy. Confronting an issue may require (1) exposing oneself to ridicule or rejection, (2) recognizing we may have contributed to the problem, and (3) willingness to change.

We can reduce stress, resolve challenges and increase productivity through effective dialogue. Such a conversation entails as much listening as talking. While effective two-way exchanges will happen naturally some of the time, for the most part they need to be carefully planned. There may be some pain--or at least moving us out of our comfort zones--involved in discussing challenging issues, but the rewards are satisfaction and improved long-term relationships.

When faced with challenges, we tend to review possible alternatives and come up with the best solution given the data at hand. Unwanted options are discarded. While some decisions may take careful consideration, analysis, and even agony, we solve others almost instinctively. Our best solution becomes our position or stance in the matter. Our needs, concerns and fears all play a part in coming up with such a position. Misunderstanding and dissent can grow their ugly heads when our solution is not the same as those of others.

Several foes often combine to create contention:

Our first enemy is the natural need to want to explain our side first. After all, we reason, if they understand our perspective, they will come to the same conclusions we did.

Our second enemy is our ineffectiveness as listeners. Listening is much more than being quiet so we can have our turn. It involves a real effort to understand another person's perspective.

Our third enemy is fear. Fear that we will not get our way. Fear of losing something we cherish. Fear we will be made to look foolish or lose face. Fear of the truth ... that we may be wrong.

Our fourth enemy is the assumption that one of us has to lose if the other is going to win: that such differences can only be solved competitively.

The good news is that there are simple and effective tools to spin positive solutions and strengthen relationships out of disagreements. But let not the simplicity of the concepts obscure the challenge of carrying them out consistently. Certainly life gives us plenty of opportunities to practice and attempt to improve. However, the foes outlined above take effort to overcome.

Tools for Improved Communication

Two principles have contributed greatly to the productive handling of disagreements. The first, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood," If we encourage others to explain their side first, they will be more apt to listen to ours.

The second principle, is that people in disagreement should focus on their needs rather than on their positions. By concentrating on positions, we tend to underscore our disagreements. When we concentrate on needs, we find we have more in common than what we had assumed. Ury and Fisher suggest we attempt to satisfy the sum of both their needs and our needs.

When the light goes on we realize that it is not a zero sum game (where one person has to lose for the other to win). Nor is it necessary to solve disagreements with a lame compromise. Instead, often both parties can be winners. Individuals can learn how to keep communication lines open and solve challenges when things go wrong. Learning to disagree amicably and work through problems is perhaps one of the most important interpersonal skills we can develop.

Putting it all together

If we come right out and tell someone, "I disagree," we are apt to alienate that person. Successful negotiators are more likely to label their intentions, such as a desire to ask a difficult question or provide a suggestion, and are less prone to label disagreement.3 Problems are likely, however, to increase if we put all our needs aside to focus on another person’s perspective. The other party may think we have no needs and be quite taken back when we introduce them all of a sudden, almost as an afterthought.

In order to avoid such unproductive shock, I like the idea of briefly saying something along these lines. "I see that we look at this issue from different perspectives. While I want to share my needs and views with you later, let me first focus on your thoughts, needs, and observations." At this point, we can now put our needs aside, attempt to truly listen, and say: "So, help me understand what your concerns are regarding ...."

That is the easy part. The difficulty comes in fulfilling such a resolution to really listen to resist the tendency to interrupt with objections no matter how unfounded some of the comments may be. Instead of telling someone that we understand (just so they can finish and give us a turn to present our perspective), we can be much more effective by revealing exactly what it is that we understand. All along we must resist, as we listen, the temptation to bring up our viewpoints and concerns. In trying to comprehend, we may need to put our understanding in terms of a question, or a tentative statement. This way we show true awareness.

We may have to refine our statement until the other stakeholder approves it as a correct understanding of his position or need. It is necessary not only to understand, but for the other person to feel understood. Only now can we begin to explain our perspective and expect to be fully listened to. Once we have laid out our concerns, we can focus on a creative solution. If we have had no history with someone, or a negative one, we need to use more caution when disagreeing. The potential for a disagreement to be side-railed into contention is always there. It helps if we have made goodwill deposits over time.

Bloom as often as you can...

Stay close to your Family....

Explore the world around you....

Enjoy the relaxing rhythm of waves...

Watch The Moon Rise

Spread your wings and take off on your own...

Then enjoy an nap afterward...

If you need some hints....

 Go back and read this again!